Some more advice on this previous thread please

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Anya.186
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Re: guilty for snooping on husband's phone

Postby Anya.186 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:27 am

light1313 wrote:
Anya.186 wrote:I have a friend with a 16 YO daughter that might be posting provocative
pics on Instagram.
She found some on her phone by snooping.
I told her she should talk to her daughter, but in a
non confrontational way.
I haven't heard back yet.
But I guess a lot of kids are doing it.


Thats a bit dangerous; you never know where those photos are going to end up on the internet.


I really must say if my daughter posted pics, or performed sex acts
for others to see, as opposed to drugs, addictions, and the like;
I would find the sexual behavior far more tolerable, and less dangerous.
There remains just too much focus on sex in most societies.
I used to know everything.

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Re: guilty for snooping on husband's phone

Postby diana_robertson » Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:33 am

Anya.186 wrote:
light1313 wrote:
Anya.186 wrote:I have a friend with a 16 YO daughter that might be posting provocative
pics on Instagram.
She found some on her phone by snooping.
I told her she should talk to her daughter, but in a
non confrontational way.
I haven't heard back yet.
But I guess a lot of kids are doing it.


Thats a bit dangerous; you never know where those photos are going to end up on the internet.


I really must say if my daughter posted pics, or performed sex acts
for others to see, as opposed to drugs, addictions, and the like;
I would find the sexual behavior far more tolerable, and less dangerous.
There remains just too much focus on sex in most societies.

But society doesn't see it that way, graphic sexual activity is still a taboo

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Anya.186
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Re: guilty for snooping on husband's phone

Postby Anya.186 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 10:44 am

diana_robertson wrote:
Anya.186 wrote:
light1313 wrote:
Anya.186 wrote:I have a friend with a 16 YO daughter that might be posting provocative
pics on Instagram.
She found some on her phone by snooping.
I told her she should talk to her daughter, but in a
non confrontational way.
I haven't heard back yet.
But I guess a lot of kids are doing it.


Thats a bit dangerous; you never know where those photos are going to end up on the internet.


I really must say if my daughter posted pics, or performed sex acts
for others to see, as opposed to drugs, addictions, and the like;
I would find the sexual behavior far more tolerable, and less dangerous.
There remains just too much focus on sex in most societies.

But society doesn't see it that way, graphic sexual activity is still a taboo


True Diana.
We refuse to admit the extent we will go for sexual satisfaction.
This is a direct result of societal sexual neurosis that began with
the biblical notion of Adam & Eve.
It remains pervasive in most Christian groups.
They regard anything other than missionary sex as sinful,
and yet are quite likely engaged in pornography as an outlet.

My personal example is when I worked in a Catholic hospital we
were not allowed to handle male genitals.
We were even taught to avert our eyes as if the very sight
of a penis would cause us to put it into our mouth or vagina, catheter and all.
:lol:
Talk about excessive focus on sex instead of proper health care.
I used to know everything.

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light1313
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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby light1313 » Fri Mar 09, 2018 9:48 am

Hi all I want some more advice on this problem subject to my thread , ie the payments not snooping, it only happened once, and there’s no need to snoop I know everything). The payments which were supposed to end in July 2017 are still continuing. He still doesn’t tell me about the payments unless he needs to send her an excessive amount which he needs to do sometimes. They dont see eachother, they only talk on the phone, and text and its usually about money. She is still unemployed, ie she has been working for many years at a ceramics place, she has flexible hours and she likes it there but her boss has not been paying her any salary for over 4 years. Despite this she refuses to leave and get a proper paid job because she says she likes it and sees a future there (don’t know how) and although we found her a job a couple of times she refused to go to an interview.
My husband feels bad about this too. My husband himself is self employed and working free lance so although he earns money its not a steady flow and sometimes I need to supply the money to send to her. Some of money my husband earns he gives to her and the rest he spends on us and our home so I am trying to think that all the money he has sent her has really been my husband’s own money and I am just the one supporting our own living. However the whole thing is starting to annoy me. Because it seems like its never going to stop. Another thing is that my husband spends too much on useless electronic equipment and the car and household items due to lack of wise choice. I’ve started to use up the deposit in the bank account I inherited from my father to pay our credit card bills.
My husband feels he needs to support her because she eloped to him 13 years ago at the age of 17 to escape from her emotionally abusive family and that now they are divorced her family is pressuring her to move back to the town they are living. She avoids this by telling them that she has a wellpaid job and is doing fine. But she isn’t. My husband also admits that he feels indepted to her because he took some money from her to set up a café when they first got married 13 years ago. But he has always been supporting her thereafter, how much more does he need to do it? What should I do in this position?
Last edited by light1313 on Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby UKGent » Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:51 pm

light1313 wrote:Hi all I want some more advice on this problem subject to my thread , ie the payments not snooping, it only happened once, and there’s no need to snoop I know everything). The payments which were supposed to end in July 2017 are still continuing. He still doesn’t tell me about the payments unless he needs to send her an excessive amount which he needs to do sometimes. They dont see eachother, they only talk on the phone, and text and its usually about money. She is still unemployed, ie she has been working for many years at a ceramics place, she has flexible hours and she likes it there but her boss has not been paying her any salary for over 4 years. Despite this she refuses to leave and get a proper paid job because she says she likes it and sees a future there (don’t know how) and although we found her a job a couple of times she refused to go to an interview.
My husband feels bad about this too. My husband himself is self employed and working free lance so although he earns money its not a steady flow and sometimes I need to supply the money to send to her. Some of money my husband earns he gives to her and the rest he spends on us and our home so I am trying to think that all the money he has sent her has really been my husband’s own money and I am just the one supporting our own living. However the whole thing is starting to annoy me. Because it seems like its never going to stop. Another thing is that my husband spends too much on useless electronic equipment and the car and household items due to lack of wise choice. I’ve started to use up the deposit in the bank account I inherited from my father to pay our credit card bills.
My husband feels he needs to support him because she eloped to him 13 years ago at the age of 17 to escape from her emotionally abusive family and that now they are divorced her family is pressuring her to move back to the town they are living. She avoids this by telling them that she has a wellpaid job and is doing fine. But she isn’t. My husband also admits that he feels indepted to her because he took some money from her to set up a café when they first got married 13 years ago. But he has always been supporting her thereafter, how much more does he need to do it? What should I do in this position?


What your husband is doing is a big no no. It's one of the biggest causes of divorces, one partner still maintaining some form of contact with an ex partner, albeit it verbally (phone, text communication) or financial (due to some misguided belief that they still feel some responsibility towards their ex).

Your husband needs to stop before it get's to the point where it really starts to affect your own marriage. His ex will never get a job because she now has it in her head that your husband will continue to keep making payments to her, therefore why look for a job. It is neither his nor your responsibility to take care of her.

Unfortunately this is a case where your are going to have put your foot down and tell him no more, payments are to stop and make sure you tell him that if you find out that payments are still happening then there is going to be trouble (saying that will put a seed of doubt in his mind in that it's not best to keep it hidden from you)

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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby C.G. » Sat Mar 10, 2018 3:10 am

I just don't understand this at all. Is this something mandated by the courts? If not you need to leave him, he's taking the piss. Seriously... wtf?
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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby emilycurious » Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:10 pm

Re: Some more advice
Last edited by emilycurious on Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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light1313
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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby light1313 » Tue Mar 13, 2018 1:40 am

emilycurious wrote:
light1313 wrote:What should I do in this position?

Kiddo, you need to do the same thing you just did with your caravan man problem.
Talk to him. (He sounds like an understanding guy.)

Thanks Emily :) :)

I have talked to him a number of times. Back story: They had been contemplating divorce for 3 years and their divorce was legally settled 2.5 months after we first met. I dont feel myself to blame although he moved right out of her place into my place a few days after the divorce. He had been staying at my place for nearly a month before the divorce. But before that he was occasionally staying at the basement of his friend’s shop whenever thay had an arguement and she told him to leave. Everything was a blur for me then it happened so fast. There wasnt a court case for financial settlement as they had an agreed divorce so the payments are not mundated by court, though she did ask him for help to be able to pay her rent. Anyway; ever since they divorced (2015) she has always been asking for money. In the end I was the one who suggested that they should agree on a set amount each month which would amply satisfy her and my husband would send her no less or no more, solely so that we would be able to know how much to send and how much to spend, because we have bills aswell and I have to plan our expenditures. They both thought it was a brilliant idea and agreed on a set amount and that the payments would be untill July 2017 and by that time she will have ample time to get herself into a proper paid job. My husband also promised her that he would still support her even if she got a job before july 2017.
But it didnt work out that way, not only did my husband send her more money then the agreed amount on frequent occasions nearly every month as she keeps phoning and saying her electricity has been cut off because she didnt pay the bill and has run out of money, she has sat on her glasses and broken them and needs to get a new one, she dropped her phone into the toilet and needs to get a new one, she needs to go to a language course because its important for her future but can't pay for it, she needs to buy a plane ticket to visit her family, her sister is coming over to stay and she needs to buy new linen and groceries, she needs this she needs that… she promises to pay him back (which we all know isen’t true)… and the payments are still continuing and its not even a set amount anymore, its never been.
My husband has told her off on numerous occasions for not finding a job and for spending too much money ect; all that happened is that she ended up crying.
Last I talked to my husband the other day. I told him I dont feel good about feeling this way but I told him how I felt about it all I was careful to use the “I” personal pronoun throughout the conversation. Maybe I was a bit too soft but the problem is my husband feels guilty for leaving her in a difficult position. He feels responsible, I cant stop him feeling that way, He doesn’t want to seem as if he doesnt care. I don’t know how to go any further with this without coming across as (or actually being) mean.

Ps: Sorry for the verbal diarrhea :)

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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby Mr.Married » Tue Mar 13, 2018 7:51 am

Howdy Light,

Unfortunately even in the best of marriages there sometimes has to be a boundary set and reinforced. The undesirable side effect of discussing something
of concern and then having no resolution is that it reinforces each time that there is no consequence for the continued behavior. Coming up with a fair
plan with known results and consequences for the continued behavior will be your path to success. You know better than us how far you can push this.
Get yourself a plan...and whatever you do....make sure you stick with it. It's tough to break that behavior and stick to your plan in the start but it will get much
easier as time goes by and then it will turn into a non-issue before long.

Best of Luck !!

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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby emilycurious » Tue Mar 13, 2018 5:41 pm

Re: Some more advice
Last edited by emilycurious on Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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light1313
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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby light1313 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 1:55 pm

This problem has really been invading my mind day and night for the past week. I've actually said all that can be said to my husband. Always being careful to use the I personal pronoun. We have sat down and calculated her expenses. My husband has told me "you are right" and agreed to stick to the set amount which should be amply enough for her only to break the rule and send her more when she next asks for it. Then we found her a job twice and the people we talked to agreed to employ her but she didnt go.
Lastly I told him "feeling obliged to send her money makes me feel as if I owe her a ransom for marrying her ex-husband and being happy"
I mean apart from the set amount she is recieving monthly and apart from the extras she asks for every month and my husband sends them she is texting every two days asking for ridiculous small amounts ranging from 5pounds to 20 pounds ect. I mean wtf is this? I said "I just don't understand how she can throw her pride on the floor like this" I said "it makes me think only a pimp would do this sort of thing and then where does that place me?" I actually said that folks. So what else is there left to say? My only concern is that if I put my foot down any harder he is only going to start sending them in secret and hiding it from me. Then what?
There is only one more thing I can think of and that is to say that its his problem if he feels that indepted to her and if he doesnt get down to the roots of his problem and solve it, if his conscience is in so much pain for leaving her then he can go back and live with her, work and look after her and I'll go my own way.
Its a shame really because we were so happy otherwise. We have really worked on our relationship and we are doing so well, we are even looking forward to a delayed honeymoon scheduled on the 30th of march...
İts just a shame.
Last edited by light1313 on Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby emilycurious » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:05 pm

Re: Some more advice
Last edited by emilycurious on Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby light1313 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:16 pm

emilycurious wrote:How about you take over full control of the finances...
How about you get a restraining order on her...
How about she slips in the bath tub...


I have thought of taking full control over the finances but our home bills, groceries and all we pay together (as should be) If I want to go and buy a t-shirt for myself I go and buy it if my husband wants to buy something for himself he can and does go and buy it we shouldnt be rendering an account to eachother on what we spend on what.
The problen isen't about getting a restrained order on her. Its my husband thats the problem! He is the one reciprocating when she texts, and he is the one letting her have what she wants. He is the one who feels its the right thing for him to do. So its my husband who is the problem.
And I hope she doesnt slip in the bath tub I hope she finds a filthily rich guy she can get into the bathtub with asap.

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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby emilycurious » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:22 pm

Re: Some more advice
Last edited by emilycurious on Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Some more advice on this previous thread please

Postby light1313 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:51 pm

emilycurious wrote:"So its my husband who is the problem"
I agree, but you are the solution.
But now I'm wondering, do you want to be? Is this your way out?
Everything sounds perfect, but you are making this a BIG issue.
You said earlier "he can go back and live with her, work and look after her and I'll go my own way".
That's a drastic step if everything else is so perfect.
Are you thinking a caravan and idolisation is better?


Off course not and ı hope that doesnt happen and I trust it wont. I just can't get my husband to feel differently. There something psychologically beneath all this that I can't seem to solve. What is it thats making him feel so guilty and obliged? I cant seem to think of a solution as talking about it hasn't been able to solve it either. We even talked about it with a friend of his who thinks that he shouldn't even be having any correspondence with her in the first place. The friend admits to even having talked about this with my husband alone and told him his ex is not his responsibility she is not a child. The friend also expressed disapproval towards me for letting it happen in the first place. The next thing I can do is ask help from my in laws. My husband always listens to his father who is a wise man. Off course my husband would not like the idea and he would be very angry with me if I talked to them about it behind his back but I won't do it behind his back. I'm going to suggest that we talk about it with his parents because its effecting the way I feel about the future of our marriage I don't want to give the money to a marriage counsellor instead :)


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