Please Help Meeeee

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PrudenceMay
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Please Help Meeeee

Postby PrudenceMay » Tue Feb 13, 2018 6:35 am

Hi there!

Im new here

I cant figure out what I am. Like what my sexuality is.

I have only ever had relationships with men and I have never been consenually sexual with a woman before,
HOWEVER
Almost every fantasy I have is with a woman.
The idea of a woman going down on me makes me kimd of uncomfortable, but the idea of going down on another woman makes me feel incredible. I crave it. I constantly want to suck on nipples and the idea of running my hands on a womans body really gets me going.
ON THE OTHER HAND
I have dreams of marrying men and having children. In my dreams I have sex with men. Being in a relationship with a woman doesnt sound appealing as I dont typically get along with girls very well.
I have no idea what to make of all of this.
Growing up i kind of thought oh it will go away
But it never has

Any advice helps!

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Starshine
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby Starshine » Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:00 am

Avoid the desire to give yourself a label a d embrace flexibilty. Follow your heart, not in love, but in flexibility and learn as you go down journey’s road.

Enjoy with an open mind. More people than you’ll ever know have gone on to marry men and have children but had some diversity along the way.

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Elysa
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby Elysa » Wed Feb 21, 2018 2:12 am

I agree with Star. Stop trying to put a label on it. You're young, enjoy the fact that you're in the middle of exploring your desires. Stay in the moment. Do what feels good.

In all honesty, you've described how I felt when I was 21. The thought of being with women was intensely arousing. But, I desired being in a relationship with men, and I craved men's bodies.

So! I experimented. After I moved to London, I met and slept with women and had lots of girlie threesomes. Then, after a while I realized what I really wanted was just men. I'm not interested in having physical sex with women anymore. But I still fantasize about them all the time, and that's how women are incorporated into my sex life now. It's amazingly satisfying. The sex I had with them was a lot of fun, I'm glad I experienced it. Now, I describe my fantasies and my past encounters with women to my fiancé. It satisfies both of us.

Remember this: Fantasies are sex. It's sex for the mind and they can be shared if you choose to. Fantasies are extremely pleasurable. They don't have to be turned into a physical experience if it's not suitable for you at any given time.

Just because I describe me having sex with a woman to my fiancé, doesn't mean he wants to have a threesome and introduce another person into our bed. On the contrary, he's not interested. He tried it with his past lovers, it was fun at the time, but it just turned into a novelty for him. He wants my body, he wants to hear my voice describing me licking another woman. We know what we want and we know how to get it on a mutually monogamous, immensely satisfying level.

But we're older, we bought our t-shirts. You're young, go explore and start your own t-shirt collection. Record and add to your fantasy library along the way. Don't be worried about trying to define anything, just have fun. That's what sex is for.

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light1313
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby light1313 » Wed Feb 21, 2018 11:22 am

Elysa wrote:I agree with Star. Stop trying to put a label on it. You're young, enjoy the fact that you're in the middle of exploring your desires. Stay in the moment. Do what feels good.

In all honesty, you've described how I felt when I was 21. The thought of being with women was intensely arousing. But, I desired being in a relationship with men, and I craved men's bodies.

So! I experimented. After I moved to London, I met and slept with women and had lots of girlie threesomes. Then, after a while I realized what I really wanted was just men. I'm not interested in having physical sex with women anymore. But I still fantasize about them all the time, and that's how women are incorporated into my sex life now. It's amazingly satisfying. The sex I had with them was a lot of fun, I'm glad I experienced it. Now, I describe my fantasies and my past encounters with women to my fiancé. It satisfies both of us.

Remember this: Fantasies are sex. It's sex for the mind and they can be shared if you choose to. Fantasies are extremely pleasurable. They don't have to be turned into a physical experience if it's not suitable for you at any given time.

Just because I describe me having sex with a woman to my fiancé, doesn't mean he wants to have a threesome and introduce another person into our bed. On the contrary, he's not interested. He tried it with his past lovers, it was fun at the time, but it just turned into a novelty for him. He wants my body, he wants to hear my voice describing me licking another woman. We know what we want and we know how to get it on a mutually monogamous, immensely satisfying level.

But we're older, we bought our t-shirts. You're young, go explore and start your own t-shirt collection. Record and add to your fantasy library along the way. Don't be worried about trying to define anything, just have fun. That's what sex is for.


This is off the subject but reading about some things you say you told you fiance I just wanted to ask: I really want to have that kind of a conversation with my husband. Dont know why. We are really happy with each other and we have a good sex life (much better than it used to be in the beginning) But Im so curious about his past sexual encounters. You know when you are close to someone you talk about such things; like I was really close with my female cousin we talked about all the details of our sexual encounters ect was was fun. We werent doing it to arouse eachother or anything just sharing very personal stuff. My husband and I are close but he never talks about these things I ask sometimes during conversation and he just changes the subject. Same when I talk he changes the subject and I feel embarrassed. He says “the past is the past I’m so happy with you now”. I know lots about him more than anybody else in his life, including his mother, sister, ex wife, close friends all put together but I want to know more I’m so curious about all those groovy details ect. How can I get him to feel comfortable about talking about such things? Or should I just leave him alone? :)

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emilycurious
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby emilycurious » Wed Feb 21, 2018 7:02 pm

Re: Please Help Me
Last edited by emilycurious on Mon Mar 19, 2018 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
In a Time of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth Is a Revolutionary Act.
(Erroneously attributed to Orwell, but who cares, right?)

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light1313
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby light1313 » Wed Feb 21, 2018 7:15 pm

emilycurious wrote:
light1313 wrote:How can I get him to feel comfortable about talking about such things? Or should I just leave him alone?

I never ask, but I'm always willing to listen - it really doesn't matter to me, but sharing can be fun.
I'm wondering what's your reason for needing to know?
I think you should address your motivation first, it might be more illuminating than actually discovering his sexual history... which, if he's so open with everything else, maybe a sore point with him, something he actively does not want to relive.
But, back to my point, why do you need to know? Is it because you have something to tell??


You are really have a good point here. I dont know why I want to know. One thing is that since we are so close and know nearly everything about eachother and talk so freely with eachother about everything without judgement, why should this be something like a taboo between us that we cant talk about? Now this however may be a rationalising excuse. Yes I do have something to tell and I think he too has something to tell. I know we have both had good experiences and bad experiences in the past; and I know we have both experienced sexual abuse in the past too :( . If we could talk and share with eachother I feel as if it would get us closer. But I know maybe it is a sore topic for him, but he doesnt talk about good experiences either.

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emilycurious
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby emilycurious » Wed Feb 21, 2018 7:21 pm

Re: Please Help Me
Last edited by emilycurious on Mon Mar 19, 2018 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
In a Time of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth Is a Revolutionary Act.
(Erroneously attributed to Orwell, but who cares, right?)

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light1313
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby light1313 » Wed Feb 21, 2018 7:52 pm

emilycurious wrote:
light1313 wrote:Yes I do have something to tell

I think this is your only motivation.
But you feel you must have some sort of tit for tat arrangement either for you to be able to "confess" or for it to be a valid excuse for you to "confess".
Look, if this guy is the love of your life, just tell him without expecting anything (except love and support) in return.
If he wanted to tell you, he would have.
If you want to tell him, you should.
(And then tell us, pretty please!)


Thanks Emily its so comforting to feel your support.
I did try to tell him once, before we got married when our relationship started getting serious. His attitude wasn't unsupportive but he didnt want to listen to me, he cut me short and said "just forget about it, forget about whatever happened, the past is the past and its not important anymore, just look ahead" which is true. If he wanted to hear about it I would tell him but I dont need to vent to him. I did have the chance to talk lots about it with my therapist when I was in psychotherapy.
However he has the same attitude towards his sister who was in psychotherapy last year. She kept talking about things her father did when they were children and adolecents. My husband, who thinks very highly of his father and doesnt accept any negative critisism about him, kept cutting her short saying that she was being unfair and keeps talking about the same stuff all the time, shes grown up now and she should get over it ect. I can understand my sister in law, she just wants to vent and being in therapy a lot of stuff about the past pops up. My husband never vents or talks about anything unpleasant.
I have resolved my issue so I dont need to tell him about it and I dont need him to talk about his stuff to give me an excuse to talk about my own stuff but I want to know about his stuff. Its a mystery to me and I want to know and feel closer to him, maybe more connected in a way. I know my past I want to know his aswell. I might, and in a way I know I will somewhat relate to his experience and the empathy I feel for him then will feel therapeutic to me aswell.

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UKGent
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby UKGent » Wed Feb 21, 2018 10:13 pm

light1313 wrote:
emilycurious wrote:
light1313 wrote:Yes I do have something to tell

I think this is your only motivation.
But you feel you must have some sort of tit for tat arrangement either for you to be able to "confess" or for it to be a valid excuse for you to "confess".
Look, if this guy is the love of your life, just tell him without expecting anything (except love and support) in return.
If he wanted to tell you, he would have.
If you want to tell him, you should.
(And then tell us, pretty please!)


Thanks Emily its so comforting to feel your support.
I did try to tell him once, before we got married when our relationship started getting serious. His attitude wasn't unsupportive but he didnt want to listen to me, he cut me short and said "just forget about it, forget about whatever happened, the past is the past and its not important anymore, just look ahead" which is true. If he wanted to hear about it I would tell him but I dont need to vent to him. I did have the chance to talk lots about it with my therapist when I was in psychotherapy.
However he has the same attitude towards his sister who was in psychotherapy last year. She kept talking about things her father did when they were children and adolecents. My husband, who thinks very highly of his father and doesnt accept any negative critisism about him, kept cutting her short saying that she was being unfair and keeps talking about the same stuff all the time, shes grown up now and she should get over it ect. I can understand my sister in law, she just wants to vent and being in therapy a lot of stuff about the past pops up. My husband never vents or talks about anything unpleasant.
I have resolved my issue so I dont need to tell him about it and I dont need him to talk about his stuff to give me an excuse to talk about my own stuff but I want to know about his stuff. Its a mystery to me and I want to know and feel closer to him, maybe more connected in a way. I know my past I want to know his aswell. I might, and in a way I know I will somewhat relate to his experience and the empathy I feel for him then will feel therapeutic to me aswell.


From a guys point of view, what your wanting is to be nosy about his past. I've heard that a lot of 'i want to know about his past so we can be closer' from the opposite sex. Sorry that's rubbish. If a person has unresolved issues emanating from their past then they should deal with them before engaging in a relationship. If these issues manifest during a relationship then and only then should their past become common knowledge between both partners.

What one did in the past, is as your husband rightly says 'is in the past' and it should stay in the past. Starting a new relationship means also starting a clean slate, a new chapter in ones life. Men specifically do not like their partners pestering them about their past, and yes, us men see it as 'pestering' because we know, regardless of her good intentions, we know we will be judged and at some point in the relationship, what was mentioned about the past, rather than be left alone, will be brought up, either positively or negatively.

Relationship experience through school, college, university and beyond has taught us men that discussing our pasts only leads to pain and hurt and thus it is something we chose to avoid at all costs if possible. Just respect your husbands decision not to discuss his past with you, regardless of how much you want to know.

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light1313
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby light1313 » Thu Feb 22, 2018 1:25 am

UKGent wrote:
From a guys point of view, what your wanting is to be nosy about his past. I've heard that a lot of 'i want to know about his past so we can be closer' from the opposite sex. Sorry that's rubbish. If a person has unresolved issues emanating from their past then they should deal with them before engaging in a relationship. If these issues manifest during a relationship then and only then should their past become common knowledge between both partners.

What one did in the past, is as your husband rightly says 'is in the past' and it should stay in the past. Starting a new relationship means also starting a clean slate, a new chapter in ones life. Men specifically do not like their partners pestering them about their past, and yes, us men see it as 'pestering' because we know, regardless of her good intentions, we know we will be judged and at some point in the relationship, what was mentioned about the past, rather than be left alone, will be brought up, either positively or negatively.

Relationship experience through school, college, university and beyond has taught us men that discussing our pasts only leads to pain and hurt and thus it is something we chose to avoid at all costs if possible. Just respect your husbands decision not to discuss his past with you, regardless of how much you want to know.


Thanks I think you word it well from a guys point of view. We women are more verbal. I''d never pester him. I dont mean what I want is poking around in the past. He knows he can tell me everything he wants to tell me and trusts me I know such things about him that would destroy him if they came up. What ı meant is just with casual conversation. I do respect him, when he changes the subject ı never try to bring it back. I just like talking, it interests me and I listen attentively whenever he talks about the past. He is a talkative person. We chat almost about everything and have fun chatting together. My innitial question wasnt about talking especially about traumas or anything (Emily's question brought that up) but why we cant have liberated conversations about past sexual encounters like some couples do(as Elysa noted), but maybe most couples do not since its a taboo thing associated to what ? I dont know jealousy? where does it lie on the scale of being kinky vs pervert? open vs secretive ? liberal vs conservative? ect ect. would it be harmful leading to you comparing yourself? many questions. İs it meant only for girlie talk among girls only, or guys talk among guys only?

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Elysa
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Re: Please Help Meeeee

Postby Elysa » Thu Feb 22, 2018 9:25 am

light1313 wrote:
Elysa wrote:I agree with Star. Stop trying to put a label on it. You're young, enjoy the fact that you're in the middle of exploring your desires. Stay in the moment. Do what feels good.

In all honesty, you've described how I felt when I was 21. The thought of being with women was intensely arousing. But, I desired being in a relationship with men, and I craved men's bodies.

So! I experimented. After I moved to London, I met and slept with women and had lots of girlie threesomes. Then, after a while I realized what I really wanted was just men. I'm not interested in having physical sex with women anymore. But I still fantasize about them all the time, and that's how women are incorporated into my sex life now. It's amazingly satisfying. The sex I had with them was a lot of fun, I'm glad I experienced it. Now, I describe my fantasies and my past encounters with women to my fiancé. It satisfies both of us.

Remember this: Fantasies are sex. It's sex for the mind and they can be shared if you choose to. Fantasies are extremely pleasurable. They don't have to be turned into a physical experience if it's not suitable for you at any given time.

Just because I describe me having sex with a woman to my fiancé, doesn't mean he wants to have a threesome and introduce another person into our bed. On the contrary, he's not interested. He tried it with his past lovers, it was fun at the time, but it just turned into a novelty for him. He wants my body, he wants to hear my voice describing me licking another woman. We know what we want and we know how to get it on a mutually monogamous, immensely satisfying level.

But we're older, we bought our t-shirts. You're young, go explore and start your own t-shirt collection. Record and add to your fantasy library along the way. Don't be worried about trying to define anything, just have fun. That's what sex is for.


This is off the subject but reading about some things you say you told you fiance I just wanted to ask: I really want to have that kind of a conversation with my husband. Dont know why. We are really happy with each other and we have a good sex life (much better than it used to be in the beginning) But Im so curious about his past sexual encounters. You know when you are close to someone you talk about such things; like I was really close with my female cousin we talked about all the details of our sexual encounters ect was was fun. We werent doing it to arouse eachother or anything just sharing very personal stuff. My husband and I are close but he never talks about these things I ask sometimes during conversation and he just changes the subject. Same when I talk he changes the subject and I feel embarrassed. He says “the past is the past I’m so happy with you now”. I know lots about him more than anybody else in his life, including his mother, sister, ex wife, close friends all put together but I want to know more I’m so curious about all those groovy details ect. How can I get him to feel comfortable about talking about such things? Or should I just leave him alone? :)



I should clarify, Light. We don't go into great detail about the sex we've had with past serious relationships/marriages. We usually talk about the casual ones. I agree with your husband, the past is the past. We'll discuss issues about the sex we had with long term partners/spouses if we feel it may affect our own sex life. Other than that, there's no point, unless something in particular turns us on. When talking about ex-spouses, it's to share the things we learned about ourselves whether good or bad. I especially keep quiet if the person is still in my life. I never talk about my sex life with my first husband to anybody. He's a very close friend now, it's no one's business. I respect our friendship and wouldn't do that.

I've told him a lot about my 3rd husband and he's told me a lot about his 2nd wife. We had to, for the sake of our sanity. It's actually part of how we got together.

What's important is the here and now. We've evolved together. He's my volcano, I'm his tiger. We just want to talk about each other.


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